So i never posted on here before so I’m sorry if im not familiar with posting etiquette but i need to know if I’m going insane because my mental is health is on thin ice or is this actually something to be upset about. But I’m female 15 and I have boyfriend who’s 16 and not to trauma dump but for context, I was raped late last year by my bully and his friends. I ended up leaving school remainder of the year and my rapists were arrested, however socially I’m honestly ruined. My rapists were really popular seniors and to everyone I was the loser freshman that pick me to close to the sun and is crying rape because I had a train ran on me. When I was virgin I would have never willingly do anything like that so people having that perception of me, really hurts me to my core. The worst part about this whole thing is my rape was filmed and these boys sent a snippet of it where I’m not crying or fighting back in it…to control the narrative I was lying. When in reality they all took turns raping me and hitting me for hours and I had to be hospitalized afterwards. My mom vomited when she found out the details of what they did to me, And as of recently since the attack made my nervous system rewired my periods have been so non existent and my doctor now thinks I have condition that makes me practically infertile since my hip was fractured from the assault.
So my rape really ruined my life .
So now you got the backstory of what I’ve been dealing with nearly a year I want to talk about my boyfriend.
He was honestly been my rock after my attack and he was there for me and we weren’t even dating yet but as friends. He would bring different kind of flowers every time he would see me. Made my 15th birthday so special… but Literally anything I needed he was there for me as my friend and when I figured I did like him romantically he was so gentle and patient with me and was the only person that made me felt like I could still be loved. But things recently changed because I wanted to take our relationship to like the next level and I just wanted to prove like I loved him.. so on a whim two weeks ago we went like all the way and it was kinda like my first time and I haven’t told no one about this not my mom nor therapist, because I know they would both freak out if they knew I was active in that way. Because they think it’s too soon and spoiler they were right. Because what brought me here today is I found out my boyfriend watched the clip of my rape and he was one of the guys in the chat and I’m so heartbroken about it. Even though he said this was before we started talking and that he didn’t make the connection that I was the girl in the video. But Im have a hard time believing him. He was in a group chat with my rapist where some of them swapped nudes of other girls. He told me he never participated in that part, but I’m honestly thinking he saw me in that video and pursued me because he thought I was easy.
Like out of all videos he watched that one of me…I don’t know why I’m so heartbroken by this I can’t pinpoint why..I want to think he was genuine with me this whole time, because he never pressured me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable doing and always respected my boundaries. I’m just having a tough time trusting boys, like my rapist was legit my bully and I thought he hated me and made me feel so ugly. I have no one to really talk about this too because my mom I feel like would be disappointed in me if I told her what I did with him. But am overreacting when it comes to this? I really don’t understand why this bothers me so much
update: hi everyone thank you so so so much for the sweet feedback, I honestly didn’t think no one would read this but I told my BF I want a break this morning in homeroom and he wasn’t happy about it the conversation felt very gaslighty and he kept saying I was overreacting about it And using excuses that majority of the school saw it and that he didn’t even watch it fully because he felt disgusted.. which that last part has made me extremely sad today, I felt like he told me indirectly he was disgusted with me. Also the police is well aware of the video it honestly led to the arrest of my rapists…but my boyfriend told me him and the rest of the dudes are gonna receive some punishment with the school because of the leak of this group chat He doesn’t know what though..so now that’s why I think he he chose to confess to me because I was going to find out anyway.
